Another free writing journal entry, I really enjoyed the last one and I feel that I have a small writers block on trying to think of topics to write about. So that is what I’m going to discuss with myself today to see if I can figure why that is.
What do I think my writers block is?
I feel that that is the best place to start with this as it will let me find out what I actually think is in front of me because surprisingly enough this is something I have never brought up to myself.
I feel that in full openness, my writers block comes from a lack of confidence within my writing and the thought process that everything I write, is and has to be good.
Why do I have a lack of confidence in my writing?
I have always thought of myself as a good writer, I feel that I am able to get my thoughts across to people well and really get people to understand what I’m thinking.
So why do I think I am bad at writing?
I don’t think I am bad, I think that people will think I am bad. I feel that my writers block doesn’t stem from the fact that I don’t think I am creative enough to come up with things to write. But I don’t think I’m going to write things that people are going to like.
So is that all that is holding you back?
I want to say yes but I know the answer to that is no.
It is not just a lack of confidence in writing but I also feel that part of me started writing with the motive that this was going to be something in a short amount of time. I feel that I tricked myself into thinking that, but at that same time I have realized how much I do enjoy writing. I need to understand even if my motives in the beginning may have been hidden behind a reason that I was refusing to look at.
It uncovered something that I didn’t just think i really enjoy. But something that I do in fact really enjoy doing.
I don’t need to make it about the audience enjoying what I’m writing because then I wont be writing about things that I enjoy.
So what do you change about that?
I stop caring about what people are going to think about what I write, have more confidence in my thoughts and words. Everyone may not like it, but I will enjoy what I write, and bring people that will also enjoy that.
I do not have writers block. I have an insecurity in what other people will think about me, my thoughts, and what I have to say, I feel that its my job to provide. Something that I am aware of and has affected me in other parts of my life and this is just another example of this insecurity holding me back from being me. Doing what I want and enjoy.
Why do I care so much about what others think?
That’s a big question but maybe a simple answer, this is something I have thought on a lot and something that I need to come to a solid conclusion for, find my root, find the shadow of it and expose it.
When is the first time in memory you can think of that this has affected you.
It is funny because most days I wouldn’t be able to tell you the answer to this. But for some reason today a memory materialized within my brain in seconds.
I want to say I was around 9 years old or so whenever I can recall my first memory of me being genuinely stopped from enacting on something because of fear of the public view.
I have never been one to be on the stage and as much as I made myself out to enjoy the center of attention for a good portion of my life, it was a lot more so at my younger age.
I had this knack for magic tricks after seeing a small magic trick show at universal studios of all places. It was a mix of slight of hand magic, card tricks, the foam balls. All the things you’ll think of whenever you hear magic.
I fell in love with magic that day, I knew that there was something he was doing that was making this all happen, but the way everything seamlessly looked effortless. It was magic, maybe not real sorcery stuff. But the magic of those around the magician, knowing there being deceived, but not knowing how was something encapsulating to me.
Leaving there I owned all 6 boxes of the magic kits that they were selling, I got sold.
I got home, and practiced magic tricks for days on end.
Started showing them to my family and they loved it. I loved that they loved what I was learning.
But I didn’t ever enjoy feeling of being like a jester to entertain, because that is the pressure I felt of being in the spotlight, if I didn’t perform adequately I’d make like a jester and get beheaded.
I never recognized that though.
Not too too long after this, I find myself at my grandparents house standing on a couch, about to put on a show for a good 30-40 people if I recall correctly, not a big crowd, but being 9 years old it was like the world was watching.
I hated it, I hated the eyes staring at me, I hated the thoughts running through my mind of what they could be thinking. It felt like there was an amusement park with all the rides on it going at once within my head.
I did a 15 minute show of me pulling lights off of Christmas trees, swallowing them then pooping them out, coughing them, pulling infinite amounts of lights from my pocket, it felt magical to do, but it didn’t feel like magic to perform.
I enjoyed watching myself in the mirror, recording myself doing then and watching them back and finding out the smallest details I could’ve fixed, the process of getting better, learning.
But after that 15 minute show, my nine year old self smiled and laughed with the cheers, took my applause, then went to the bathroom and cried, I didn’t know why, I just new the moment I was done I felt my eyes welling up and knew I wasn’t happy with what I just did.
I hated the whole experience, its something I feel like I can play a movie within my head of and the only reason I could say is because I didnt like doing things for other people but just for myself and that was the first time I felt that, maybe not recognize why, but I was aware there was something off about it.
I never did another show again.
I realized way later that I didn’t love magic, I didn’t love performing, but I saw someone do something and said, I want to learn that.
I didn’t fall in love with being a show man, I feel in love with learning things I found cool.
I fell in love with showing the people I cared about what Ive learned.
Not people caring about what Ive learned.
So what was it?
That’s why I started this, to show the people I love what Ive learned. Not to be a showman to the reader and entertain, but to show you what I have been fortunate enough to learn.
I don’t have a writers block but a feeling that I started looking at this as something that it wasn’t, this is for me to share my stuff. Not to make money, not to get followers, not to get readers.
This at its core when I thought of it, is something that I made to share my thoughts.
To be a human, and to share my opinion.
I hope you have a great day.
I haven’t been too consistent lately but Im hoping with my new insights on what I’ve been feeling will benefit me in being able to write more and put more of my thoughts out here, to publicly share what Ive learned.
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