Had another call with roman, talked for about an hour. Back here again, thanks roman for reminding me of what I enjoy doing. Not sure what this is gonna be about, just gonna keep writing.

Intro

I know that almost anything you do it is going to be hard to be able to start, even things you enjoy doing can be perceived as a nuanced task. For me it’s easiest to align with going to the gym, some days I know that its going to be a harder day or just not feeling the greatest. I’ll trot around the gym lobby for a bit, go to the restroom and scroll through social media, almost actively avoiding having to go lift.

Once I finally get the ball rolling and I get moving, I start feeling good. I start waking up, I finish and I feel happier and ready for the day ahead of me.

(I started typing my inner monologue and it turned into a conversation so i decided to keep typing the active thought process I was having, sides of thought are shown by the font.)

Dialogue

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I think it may have something to do with me thinking about the process of an action or event, rather than the outcome of it.

But isn’t it the process of most things what matters? Is that not what will actively bring said outcome/result ?

Yes the process is what produces the outcome. But the process is usually not an actively rewarding thing, it produces the outcome but is not the outcome itself.

The process is something that is usually not instantly rewarding, in some ways yes, but it wont immediately reward you with your goal. It’s the in between of the starting line and the finish line. I think that me trying to thoroughly examine a race before I can see the finish line is just me stalling, making assumptions, convincing myself that I may not be able to complete it fast enough, or even at all in some cases.

Since the race in this metaphor doesn’t have legs, or a physical body, it must mean that it is my own mind that is the runner. It doesn’t have a capacity to run out of stamina, I can only think that it does. My mind can reach any finish line it wants to, because at the end of the day, it is in my own head whether I keep moving forward or not.

Do you think there is a finish line? I feel like what you see as a finish line is maybe instead only a checkpoint, at the same time it is the start to a new race.

I guess that’s a good way to approach it, I don’t feel that losing sight of whatever the result of completing the hypothetical race may be is a good idea though, maybe I shouldn’t make it something material though, I think I can recognize how thimble the path to a material goal for my finish line would be, and in the end I would be lost once if I did get there.

If I find the check points I need to reach, that are also on path towards my finish line, I will know which direction I can start running in, but until then I will continue to be lost, searching for something that is meant to be created.

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Thank you for reading, I hope you have been doing well, make today great.